This is to my friends who have recently joined me in the blogging world. I have built a life by lying about who I am. There are things I have never told any of you(yes, even you *sara*)because I either felt bad about who I was in comparison to how wonderful all of you are, or I felt like i would be judged. None of this is your fault in any way! You are all the epitomy of what I wish I could be, and none of you ever made me feel like you would actually judge me. Maybe it was because I was judging myself.

There was someone who came with me to meet you all not that long ago and this is what that person had to say about all of you:

"I never knew there were Christians who weren't complete hypocrites and jerks until I met your friends."

This is how I feel about all of you as well. You inspire me, but at the same time you intimidate me. I go to your blogs and read about God's presense and the will of God and I try and comment, but you are out of my realm of expertise. I wish I had the faith you do. As we all know I am a wanna be Christian, but at this point I am just a wanna be. I do not feel the "Will of God" or a great force moving me all the time. So I hold some things back from you, my dear friends.

I hold back my embarassement over being me. I hold back things that happened to me in High School and beyond that make me, me. I hold back on the terrible things that have happened to me, and some terrible things that i have done. I hold back how much I enjoy sex now, and how much I used to hate it.

When I discovered that you were going to start entering my blog world, I almost took links off my page that dealt with things I thought you would not necessarily like. Not because I thought any of you would dislike me for having them, or because I thought you would be offended. I almost took them off because I was embarassed to be me.

But that is stopping now. This is my blog, where I will be me. My insecurities, my life, my feelings of inadequacy, my wanna be-idness(go ahead and laugh, that one is funny) and things I have done and never told you about will eventually probably pour forth onto this blog. Some things will probably surprise you, others will not. But I am not going to censor myself anymore.

I know you will not judge me for what and who I am, but I hope you will forgive me for hiding myself from you. I am truly sorry.