I was a teenage girl going through problems. The same ones that all teenage girls do, but I felt like no one else had ever gone through or ever would go through anything like I was. I was belligerant at school, hated my mother, lost my virginity (yes, I was 13) and felt like the world was against me.

I became depressed, not eating, not sleeping, not doing anything. My mother put me into counseling. A 40 year old man who (I thought) could never understand the world of a fifteen year old girl. I refused to speak to him.

In school I was as beligerent as I could be. I would even walk out of class if i got bored, or wanted attention. The principal took an interest in "saving" me and that made me worse, more angry and uncontrollable.

One day I guess my mother got tired of all of it. She said to me, "I don't care how you feel on the inside, i want to see a smile on the outside." It hurt. It hurt to even think that my mother didn't care. It hurt to think that she didn't care about my feelings. I felt that grip, the squeeze in my chest, and that out of breath feeling. I took it to heart. It's how I live to this day.

I try not to let anyone know when things bother me. When I moved to Michigan, I gained the nickname Sunshine. This was NOT because I was always happy, this was because I NEVER let anyone see when I was not. Because of one sentence, I think people won't really care what I am feeling.

My mother and I do not talk. Oh, I call her every once in a while and we chat. She tells me about all the family members that I don't remember and I pretend to care so she won't feel hurt. I tell her everything happy that happens to me, and gloss over anything bad. I hear her voice, she hears mine. But we don't talk.

During my senior year in high school, she would call my best friend after I got home and ask HER how my day went, instead of talking to me. She knew that if she asked me, she would just get a "fine" or even a "great" no matter how bad things had been. She had earned that.

To this day I am afraid she meant it. I know she loves me, but i am afraid she still wants to see the smile and not tears, happiness but not doubt, and absolutely no anger. All of this from one sentence she said in the heat of anger or annoyance 13 years ago. A sentence I doubt she even remembers.