Men pay close attention to this post! I am about to divulge to you the secrets of a woman's words. This is highly sacred knowledge. In fact, my official Woman's Card could be revoked for what I am about to reveal.

Fights (or Strong Discussions, if you prefer)

1. She says "I am NOT emotional!" First of all, in order for this one to come up, you had to be a dumb ass man and say, 'You're just emotional.' Or some other stupid crap like that. Unfortunately, there are dumb ass men around so we will deal with the outcome of your stupidity. When she says I am not emotional what she means is, "I am now filled with ONE emotion and it is pure unadulterated hatred for you so you better run and get out of my sight you ASSHOLE because by telling me I am emotional I KNOW you meant 'Jeeze bitch, do you have PMS?'"

2. She says, "Let's just drop it." What she really means is "I need more time to think about this so three days from now when you think you have escaped my wrath I can surprise you while you are trying to enjoy your favorite ballgame and a beer." Then there is diabolical laughter.

3. You say, "What's wrong?" and she says "Nothing!" This is usually accompanied by some body language such as crossing arms or turning away. What she means is, "Everything is wrong and you should just know what it is you did you big galloot and since you don't know what you did I'm not going to tell you! Just apologize already!!" I never said we made sense, I just said I was going to interpret.

Discussions that could easily become fights if you're not careful

4. She says, "Fine, your right." What she really means is, "You are so off base I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are. And since you are so stupid that you can't even recognize how wrong you are, I am going to pretend I agree with you just so I can stop hearing you blathering like an idiot."

5. She says, "Do whatever you think is best." OR "I trust you to make the right decision." These are both interpreted in the same way. What she really means is "Ha ha ha! You think you have a choice now you poor poor bastard, but you better do what you know I want you to do or we will be escalating to the 'What's wrong?' 'NOTHING!' category!" (See number 3)

Choices

6. She says, "I don't know, what do you want to do?" She means, "Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to impress me by reading my mind and choosing what I want to do. If you accomplish this mission you might get lucky and experience 60 seconds of fellatio tonight. However, IF YOU FAIL you will not receive sex for a week."

7. You say, "What do you feel like eating Burger King or McDonalds?" She says, "I don't care, either one is fine." She means, "I don't care, either one is fine." See? We don't speak in code all the time!

Dumb Questions (Yes, we know they are dumb. We will ask them anyway.)

8. As a hot woman walks by she says, "Is she prettier than me?" There is no interpretation to this one, she is really asking that. However, there is an appropriate response, and don't you even think about going with that "You're both pretty, just in different ways" bullshit. Tell us no. We know your lying, but it makes us feel good anyway!