DISCLAIMER- I am not a total bitch, I did ask permission to post about this before I posted it because most of you know the other person involved.

I am much calmer writing this than I thought I would be. I just cried, a lot. So much that I threw up a little bit. But now I am sitting in front of the computer calm. Maybe it's because i knew it was coming. More likely it's because I am just numb right now. But something happened this weekend.

I have been hanging out with my ex. We have been doing the "friends with benefits" thing. I am completely in love with him, but I know he's not in love with me, or at least not in love with me enough. We have been hanging out, watching movies, playing games, having sex, and being really good friends. The relationship part has been over for 6 months, and kissing has been done for almost 4 months. I was not confusing friends with benefits with a relationship, I was just milking all the time I could out of a man that I am very much in love with. So in love with that if he had asked me to marry him at any time I would have said yes with no questions asked, and been happy. But he does not love me that much, or that way, or maybe it's too scary or whatever, but it has been over for a while.

But this weekend we hit the point of no return. We hit that point after a relationship when it is TRULY over. The point that stomps on your heart and rips it to shreds after the initial break-up pulled it out of your chest. We hit that very point which is the reason most couples can't be friends after a relationship. We hit the point where one of us had sex with someone else(and I bet you can guess that it wasn't me by the tenor of this post)

I was expecting it, knew he had interest in her, and really knew it was only a matter of time. But right now that knowledge doesn't really help.

For about 5 minutes after he told me I hated him. For about 5 minutes after that I was extremely angry at him. For about 5 minutes after that I was really angry at myself. And during the whole time I was trying to think of every single thing in my house that belonged to him so i could throw it in a box and demanded that he come here tomorrow night to pick it up. Kind of an "out of sight, out of heart" kind of a thing.

But I do love him, and he is a wonderful friend and a wonderful man(minus the whole stomping on sara's heart thing. but eventually we'll forgive him for that.) so we will continue to be friends, I think. We'll see how awkward it is. We will also see if I have to be a "secret" friend. That i won't do. I was a secret friend too many times in my life, and now (thank GOD) I have too much self confidence to let someone else make me feel like I'm not worth even a declaration of friendship. But this isn't the tenor I wanted to set here.

Basically, I am having several thoughts at the moment, none of them very good, all of them typical(i think).

One-what the hell is wrong with me? Why not ME? But hopefully someday it will be me. Just not with someone who giggles like a schoolgirl all the time, and cries at movies, and can talk about Robert Jordan, and plays pool, and--oh shit. I'm not numb anymore. ok, deep breath. 1. . . .2. . . .3. . . .and numb. ok

Two-should I stop with men? Really, it hurts a lot. I am starting to think that memory wipes aren't as terrible as people who write movies and books tend to make them sound. If i'm m issing something good, I won't know it, so what the hell?(I don't really mean that. i could never say goodbye to these memories. crap.)

Three-I loved him more than he loved me. Maybe it's time I switch that. I really meant it when I wrote that post saying it is time to find someone who loves me more than I love them. Hopefully someone I like, am attracted to, can talk to but
will never love. I mean that. Someone devoted to me. I will not be devoted to them.

ok, enough of that. Again, not the theme I wanted to set here. Basically, I just used 10 paragraphs to say something that could have been said in five words.

Goodbye Paul.

I Love You