I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. Every 6 months to a year i go through a phase. A highly emotional, over-react to everything, depressed phase, but it normally lasts 2 weeks and I successfully hide it from everyone. I just hold it inside, bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds, then run into the nearest bathroom to cry my eyes out. After 2 weeks i have my natural smile back, and I return to rational thought and reactions.

I am going through one of those phases right now, but things are different this time. It's been going on for 2-3 months instead of just 2 weeks. And I can't hide it this time. It is so bad that people are starting to term me as "sensitive", which we all know means "moody bitch!"

A few weeks ago I got into a confrontation with a friend at the bar. It got so bad that I was actually daring him to hit me, and I raised the case that my pool cue was in like I was going to hit him. For those of you who know me, this is NOT me! i try to avoid confrontation if it's at all possible, I try really hard to be ultra-considerate of others, and i do NOT attack people!

Then there are other times that the smallest thing, even some things meant to be a compliment, I take as the hugest insult to me and end up crying off and on for the next 2 hours until I can get over it. There are other times things happen that I should care about, and I just don't. I have no emotion.

This is all scaring me a lot, basically because i feel so out of control. I know when these things happen that I am over-reacting. It's actually like I just watch my out of control self go from somewhere inside me that knows I am wrong. I know I shouldn't cry, or shouldn't yell, or shouldn't let that one thing put me into a huge funk, but even though i KNOW all this, I can't hold in my reactions. I even imagine slights, insults, put-downs, and even fights just so that i can over-react and yell.

Something happened in my life a while ago that would actually allow me to receive counseling for free, and I think I might actually do this. I'm not sure I want to, though. I am afraid of therapists, really. I don't trust them. How am I supposed to walk into someones office and just spill? and really, what can they do for me? And I will not ever take a prescription, not saying I think I need to be medicated, but if they wanted to medicate me it would be a waste.

I actually don't even know what I am saying with that.

I don't know if I am trying to talk myself out of therapy, or talk myself into it. Maybe I am just blowing smoke because i want to complain about how extra moody I am right now. Maybe I don't really care about myself, but I want to stop affecting everyone around me. Maybe i just want to have a plan. Maybe I want to think that there is something wrong with me emotionally so i don't have to face the fact that I really AM an over-emotional bitch. Maybe I am afraid next time I get into a screaming match with a friend they won't forgive me. Maybe I don't want to hear "sensitive" anymore. Maybe I just want to be in control again.

Maybe I'm just really scared.