My fellow citizens, a matter crucial to the future of this great nation and the well being of our children has come to my attention and I feel compelled to share this with the decent people of the land!

Today I walked up to a vending machine to purchase a wholesome drink of fruit juice unaware of the disgusting perversion that would soon confront me. I put in my dollar, chose my drink, and then it happened. I got back a shiny new nickel, one of the new buffalo nickels. I picked it up to look at it and almost dropped it in shock and horror. There under the bull was one of the most disgusting displays I have ever seen! The male bull had a teeny tiny penis!

This nickel is not fit for children! It is bad enough that our children can't watch Sesame Street, Spongebob, or read most classical literature. Now we must protect them from our governments currency as well! Our children will be relegated to the use of dimes and pennies because these nickels cannot be allowed to fall into innocent hands and corrupt innocent minds!

If our children are allowed to use these nickels they will grow into zoophiles! This is obviously a subversive plot to corrupt our youth! THEY(you know who they are) must be stopped!!

Don't believe me? grab a magnifying glass and check for yourself! The penis is clearly visible. But while you are checking this filth for yourself, make sure you keep it from the innocent hands in your household.

I am going to start a petition. I am going to log a formal complaint. I am going to call Jerry Falwell! Something must be done! The innocents MUST be protected!